


Absolution

by TheCatholicFanGirl



Series: Forgiveness Series [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Brotherly Love, Feels, Forgiveness, Gen, Sad, post-Deanmon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-23
Updated: 2014-10-23
Packaged: 2018-02-22 04:35:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2494682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheCatholicFanGirl/pseuds/TheCatholicFanGirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean smiled and focused on the grain in the wood tracing it with his finger. Sam sipped at his beer while watching him. Things were peaceful and Sam relished in it. So rare that he had a moment to just stop, and breathe. Nothing needed to be fixed right away, and nothing needed to be done right away either. Sam beamed while watching Dean, but Sam didn’t notice Dean right away.<br/>Dean had his head bent down, but Sam could see he was going through a battle all in his head. Sam remembered this battle face from their childhood, and he had wished to never see that again on Dean, but Sam’s wishes rarely came true. He put away the thoughts that this was a peaceful moment, because it wasn’t.<br/>Dean looked up at Sam, his eyes were wet. “I gotta say something.” Dan murmured.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Absolution

**Author's Note:**

> ab·so·lu·tion:  
> formal release from guilt, obligation, or punishment.

At the burger joint, Sam had asked for a double bacon and cheese with extra cheese and cheese fries with bacon bits, to go. The waitress gave him a look that was beyond priceless, but Sam didn’t care. Sam finally got his brother back, so all the weird looks were worth everything.

     Once he got home, Sam dropped the bag on the kitchen counter and started to kick off his boots. While shedding his coat he got a beer from the fridge. “What happened to your arm?” Dean asked concerned.

     Glancing over his shoulder, Sam saw Dean. He looked like he was Silly Putty left out in the sun too long. He looked pliable to Sam, and that almost scared him. Though, Sam preferred Silly Putty to Demon trying to kill him with a hammer any day. Four hours ago Dean looked like a wind-up toy that had been wound too tightly and was going to fall apart any second.

     “Your arm?” Dean blinked. Now he looked concerned and annoyed.

     “Oh, a hunt with Cas. It’s nothing. I’ll be out of this in a few weeks tops.” Sam shrugged it off. “I got you a bacon cheese burger with extra grease. I thought you would be hungry.”

     Dean grinned. “Thank you. My stomach isn’t ready to eat just yet. I’ll eat it later.”

     “Okay, it’s there when you want it.” Sam smiled.

     “Thank you.”

     “It’s the least I could do.” Sam said and opened the beer bottle taking a sip from it.

     “ _Least?_ ” Dean scoffed. “No, Sam you’ve done so much… thank you.”

     Sam smiled. “Do you want a beer?”

     “Nah, mind if I hang out with you though? I’m not tired enough yet.”

     Sam shook his head and pulled out a chair from the table in the kitchen. Dean followed suit as he sat down. “It’s really good to have you back.” Sam smiled. “Do you want water or anything?”

     “Nah, uhm… Cas mentioned something about a girl in his car… do you know anything about that?”

     “Oh! That might be Hannah? Yeah, Hannah. She’s an angel.”

     “Right, Cas’ sister that wanted to him to kill me. I remember.”

     Sam snorted. “Good times.”

     Dean smiled and focused on the grain in the wood tracing it with his finger. Sam sipped at his beer while watching him. Things were peaceful and Sam relished in it. So rare that he had a moment to just _stop_ , and breathe. Nothing needed to be fixed right away, and nothing needed to be done right away either. Sam beamed while watching Dean, but Sam didn’t notice Dean right away.

     Dean had his head bent down, but Sam could see he was going through a battle all in his head. Sam remembered this battle face from their childhood, and he had wished to never see that again on Dean, but Sam’s wishes rarely came true. He put away the thoughts that this was a peaceful moment, because it wasn’t.

     Dean looked up at Sam, his eyes were wet. “I gotta say something.” Dan murmured.

     Sam nodded “Okay.”

     Dean took a deep breath. “I blamed you for a long time, for mom’s death…”

     “Dean…” Sam sighed.

     “Let me finish.” Dean insisted. “You were only three when I started to blame you. It was stupid because you were only six months old. But, I was hurt, and I missed my mom. Then there was this time… when you fell off your bike, and tore up your jeans and sliced open your knee. That was my fault because I should have been paying attention to you, and not the girl behind the ice cream truck. When we were like eight and twelve, I broke my arm, and I blamed you for that, so I wouldn’t get in trouble with Dad. He… he hurt you really bad that night, and all I could think was ‘I’m glad it isn’t me.’ I shouldn’t have done that…

     “Then I forgot to pick you up that time from school, and you decided to walk to the hotel, and then you got lost. I used to tell all my _‘friends’_ how stupid you were. When in reality I was jealous that dad liked you better. I wouldn’t always stick up for you. Even when this teacher had punished you for standing up for yourself, I just… watched. There was this one time when I was so hungry and dad was wherever, and I ate the last slice of bread. You were up all night, because your stomach wouldn’t stop growling. I used to imagine taking you far away from dad, but I never did. Every time I would start to, I could just see Dad finding us, and hurting me, and I didn’t want to get hurt anymore.

     “When you left for college, I was mad at you, but I was also jealous. You were free of dad now. No thanks to me. I felt like I had failed you and you were _leaving me_ with dad as punishment for not taking you away. I hated you for that. When I took you away from Jess, I felt so happy. My little brother and I, partners in crime, but then Jessica died, and I shouldn’t have taken you away… I should’ve gotten you home a day early or I could’ve asked Bobby for help. If it weren’t for me you would’ve been married by now, with kids and a house an actual house not this place. I took that away from you.

     “That whole ‘no chick-flick moments’ rule? That was a stupid rule and I should have never even said it aloud. Because it left so many stupid rifts between us. I mean like Meg and Ruby. The Leviathans, the whole angel’s verses demons thing. The psychic thing. Purgatory… and _fuck_ Purgatory! I shouldn’t have said those things to you about how you’re not my brother anymore. I know if I were in your shoes, I would have given up too. You’re my brother always; and that should never be given away to anyone else.

     “Then I should’ve done the trials, not you, because I should be protecting you. That’s what dad had been _hammering_ into my head since we could barely walk. I screwed up, I screwed up so bad. I should have told Gadreel to fuck off it because I knew you were done with everything. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be alone. It just felt like you were leaving me again, and I couldn't do it. _I couldn't be alone._  I shouldn't have lied to you about it either. Then those things I said to you while I was a demon? I didn’t mean them. They just came out like… I…”

     Sam felt as if something had broken in his chest. His eyes felt wet and he was breathing heavy. “What are you trying to say, Dean?”

     Dean focused on him. “I’m sorry.” He choked. “I’m sorry!” he yelled. “I’m sorry I’m a horrible brother. I’m sorry that I’m a horrible person. I’m sorry I didn’t protect you when I should. I’m sorry for being attracted to guys, because I try so hard to be attracted to only girls…” Dean wept. “I’m sorry for not letting go those fights between us. I’m sorry for being needy, and manipulative, and… and _controlling._ I’m sorry for lying. I’m sorry for being an ass. I’m sorry for hurting you because that’s the last thing I want to do, but I do it anyways. I’m sorry for feeling so scared that you would leave me that I would do all these things to you. I’m sorry because of me Kevin is dead. Bobby’s dead. Jo and Ellen are dead because of me. I’m sorry for dumping all this on you, because I’ve hurt you again. I’m sorry, Sam.” Dean shook. “Please, don’t leave me, please don’t…” Dean tried to calm his breathing down, but failed. “Forgive me, please, forgive me.” He closed his eyes and looked down and away from Sam. “I don’t deserve it, but please… forgive me.” He succumbed to heart wrenching sobs and half screams.

     He watched Dean fall apart. He knew that Dean was hurting, but Sam didn’t know it was _this bad._ And to think: Dean wasn’t expecting Sam to forgive him.

     If that didn’t hurt more than a wasp sting to the ass, he didn’t know what did. Sam stood suddenly, accidentally knocking his beer bottle. The glass and the beer scattered on the floor.

     Dean flinched and wept harder. “Please, I’m sorry, please.”

     Sam wondered why Dean flinched and then remembered the times when John Winchester would get so fed up with the boys that he would break something before unleashing his wrath. Dean assumed Sam was going to hurt him. That was the last straw. Sam grabbed Dean and pulled him into a hug standing up, avoiding the glass. “I forgive you, Dean.”

     This admittance had made Dean sob harder into Sam’s shoulder. Sam didn’t care, he just held Dean tighter and he cried himself. They stood there what felt like hours crying and weeping and clinging onto each other.

     Dean had quieted and fell asleep in Sam’s arms.

     Cas appeared out of nowhere and helped Sam dress Dean in his most comfortable PJ’s, and tucked Dean into bed. Cas was unusually quiet while he helped Sam clean up the beer bottle shards. He was even quieter when he helped Sam clean the dungeon.

     “Dean assumes that he being bisexual is a bad thing.” Cas grumbled. The angel looked worn. Admitting that bit of information, made Cas look stressed and angry.

     “How much did you hear?” Sam asked as he wiped his hand on his jeans.

     “A good portion of it. I’m glad he said all of that though. He needed to. I’m even happier that you forgave him.”

     Sam nodded. “It’s nothing.”

     “It’s everything.” Cas insisted he ran a hand over his tired face. “He thinks that he’s wrong for liking men.”

     “Hey, one problem at a time, right?” Sam nodded. “We’ll deal with this as it comes.”

     Cas nodded. “You’re right. Goodnight, Sam.”

     “Good night.” Sam nodded and watched as Cas left the dungeon.


End file.
